I hate posting this. Not the article, but the fact that I have to post this ONLY on my humor site. It was acceptable to dedicate an entire article to my penis on my marketing site , but defending a homosexual male is a no no. It’s f*d up, its wrong, and as a business guy, it‘s career suicide in my line of work to do any different. So, I apologize. 

Dec. 20: Addendum to this, I wrote this article about 2 weeks ago and parked it, not sure if I should post it or not.  But screw it. Life is short. Some things are worth fighting for.

Onto the story…

I’m sitting here waiting for my Warcraft server to come back online after the 3.3 patch. I‘ve been waiting all day, so I thought I would write an article to keep myself occupied. I could be doing work, but I have been networking like a madman for the last few weeks, and have 4 more networking events planned before Friday, so I’m taking a breather. Besides, the 15,000 of you that come to check out my stuff each month deserve an update every once and a while. J Thanks for sticking in there.

Normally, I wouldn’t be writing about music in general, never mind American Idol contestants, but I have been recently troubled by my own reaction to the Adam Lambert scandal.

If you are a reader of my stuff, you know that I fervently support gay rights, gay marriage, gay whatever. Yes I am straight and married, but not so straight that I can’t have a man crush on Christian Bale. Having my particular brand of humor and just-short-of-a-caricature public persona also allows me to say things like that with zero hesitation… while I would guess than many a male would secretly agree, they still publicly deny the same.

In my case, I could pretty much tell my friends that I just blew a St. Bernard and they wouldn’t be surprised….and I love them for that J

The controversy skinny

In case you are not familiar with the Adam Lambert scandal, basically it went like this: Adam is an openly gay male - Not a big deal. He performed on the American Music Awards and in his performance open mouth kissed a dude and had a male dancer bob his head in his crotch - apparently a HUGE deal.

That performance sent the dirt pubs screaming, public outrage ensued, and as a result ,ABC cancelled his following day appearance on Good Morning America. Said performance was quickly snached up and moved to CBS for the Early Show instead where ratings neither increased or decreased as a result. They just stayed about the same.

Pro-Lambertians Take

The supporters of the performance say that is was no different from what happens every day on TV between 2 chicks. And they are right. While the Madonna/Britney kiss at the VMA’s did stir up a little excitement, it didn’t exactly stir up a whole lot of controversy…and that was like 10 conservative years ago. (As a side note, Christina Aguilerra was on the other side of Madonna and shared a kiss immediately after Britney…but nobody seems to remember that…weird) These days, girl on girl is so overdone that it’s not even worth mentioning, never mind petitioning the FCC.

Anti-Lambertians Take

The usuals crawled out of the woodwork to chime in calling the performance tasteless, inappropriate, degrading, perverted, and basically the last and final sign of the apocalypse (which according to John Cusack won’t happen for another 3 years…so I don’t think we need to worry about that right now.) If I had the time, I would love to research how many of those same people complained over every single girl/girl kiss on TV since the Madonna/Britney incident.

 Just a quick search of the web resulted in this actual FCC complaint filed by the Liberty Council on charges of “..indecent homosexual content”…

Note: not idecent sexual content, but indecent homosexual content. Apparently guy/girl indecent content, indecent portrayal of sexual acts, and the fore-mentioned blowing of a canine are acceptable. Just no fags.

Apparently the irony of the definition of Liberty is lost on the folks at the Liberty Council. Kind of like Hitler calling the Third Reich the “Equality Movement.”

The other critics say that he only did it for the shock value and has no true talent. Well duh! Of course he did it for the shock value. Performers perform. (Hence why my tour entitled “old dude on chair reading a book” never really took off like I hoped it would)

Why exactly do you think Madonna kissed Britney (and Christina) at the VMA’s? To find out what flavor toothpaste she used?

The talent portion is bunk however. Even if you think he has no talent as a singer (which, as a musician of 30 years myself, I think he does) the fact that you are even talking about him proves he has talent as a performer. Neener. Circular argument.

My take

This is where I have been struggling. I think as a whole what Lambert did was a GOOD thing. There is no reason for the guy/girl gayness double standard. Hopefully his performance opened the door for other performers to do the same, take it to the next level, and finally come to a point where it is so commonplace as to be uneventful. Just like drunken sorority girls making out in a bar. Been there. Got the tshirt. You’re “wild and edgy” I get it.

And now my admission…

I try to think of myself as supportive and open minded, but if I am being completely honest, I have to admit - The Lambert video kinda made me go “ewww.”

As I thought about it, 2 dudes kissing, even fantastically good looking ones, make me go eww. Yes me! The gayest straight person you probably know. Conceptually I’m fine with it, but the visual is just… yuck.

If you think you are not the same (and I know many of my readers are female, so you don’t have to worry about being branded but you will have the same reaction)

Imagine this visual.

And alas, therein lies the rub.

The problem for Adam

If we follow the logical assumption that Adam was doing this for shock value (to ultimately increase interest in him)and not for political advancement in a Ghandi-esque type of way, I think it misfired. What he didn’t take into consideration is the undeclared “ewww factor” that exists in our society even among the homo-firendly. When Britney and Madonna kissed, most people were like “that’s kinda hot.” It made me want to watch it again, and perhaps made me more interested in them.

However when I saw Adam attempt to swallow his keyboard players face, I kinda cringed. I actually had to look away from the screen for a sec the same way I do when they are opening up a decomposed body on “Bones.” And I can’t imagine that was his desired effect. And this was me sitting alone, not guys in group macho-ing it up and deathly terrified their buddies ascertain that they are cool with anything homosexual lest they be branded a fag-lover or worse, one themselves.

Side note; Using the word “lest” or “ascertain” in a sentence on guy-night will often have the same result.

The difference between Adam Lambert, and Madonna/Britney

I think the difference between the Madonna/Britney event and the Lambert event is that the majority of people thought that 2 girls making out was hot BEFORE oldie and the bald one did it on national television. It’s not like nobody ever though of it before (trust me, I though about it pretty much every day from the age of 12 on) They just added the edge that they were both famous, attractive, and reportedly straight.

And while I think we have come a tremendous way within a short time period on gay rights, I just don’t think that the world is ready just yet to think that guy on guy kissing is hot. I know for a fact that homosexuality was not only commonplace but encouraged in many civilized countries before the invention of the catholic church and the condemning of all things fun as as sin by people like Saint Augustine who prior to his “enlightment“ was a sometimes gay, often drunken, man-slut himself (You can hate me, but its true….look it up) But right here, right now, I just don’t think many people, guy or girl, think that man-kissing is sexy.

Is it wrong? Of course. Is it fair? Of course not. Is it the way it is? Yep.

For now.

Going Forward

I am going to attempt to find the err in my ways, but I don’t think its gonna happen anytime soon. There are still just too many taboos on the guy side. If you are not a guy, you have NO IDEA about how much pressure there is to not be gay. Or do anything gay, know anything gay, know anyone gay, or be perceived as gay. It’s basically the grown man version of Cooties. And about as mature. All I can say is that out dudes must have some stone f*n thick skin.

For Lambert, I stand by my argument that it was a good thing. If nothing else, it gets the discussion in people faces. A few years down the road we will probably see Dude Gaga complete with paint on pants, strobe lights, guy on girl, girl on girl, guy and guy, and maybe a monkee.

If the world is at all a fair and just place, in a decade it will be so commonplace as to deem uneventful. By then the world will be looking for the next shocking thing to disgust them… and you know what will inevitably come next.

2 dudes and cup.

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Made you make the vomit face again didn’t I?

Put short -  I liked it.  Neat story. Really Smart Anti-hero premise.  Pretty Deep.  

 - But what really got me thinking, and then laughing, has to do with Dr. Manhattan’s computer generated penis.   

The Evolution of my Taste… 

Before we begin the discussion of the blue mans package,  let me give you some back-story.

Over the last few months I have been watching a lot of Anime stuff.  I really don’t know crap about the genre, or Manga, or any of that shit, but I have to tell you, it rocks.  At this point I am pretty bored with American movies for the most part.  I truthfully think that about 90% of ‘em are crap and I really have to be in the right mood to watch a movie without wanting to walk out or turn it off after about 15 minutes. 

I’m not a movie snob by any means.  I just figure stuff out pretty quick and if I think I know how it is going to turn out, you can kind of see every thing coming.   I HATE the fact that I figured out Sixth Sense about 15 minutes in.  I just said to myself, he’s dead…that’s why this shit is happening.  Sure enough, in the last 5 minutes of the film, it’s revealed.  The entire audience went silent and then there was this huge collective “Gasp!”  - And I’m thinking, “Fuck, I wish I could do that!” 

Whatever. 

So, in my boredom of something different to understand, I started watching the “Ghost in the Shell - Stand Alone Complex” on Netflix instant.   My motives were purely guy stuff. Hot chick, cool animation and robots.  But on the first episode, they got in to some REALLY heavy shit about the nature of what it means to have a soul, abuse of power, religion, and a lot more.  I’m thinking “Holy Fuck! This is not a kids cartoon.  This is not the passive, sit there and let us entertain you with shiny pictures crap. 

Needless to say, I was hooked pretty fast.  I’ve now seen all the Ghost in the Shell movies and TV series.  If you like a little intellectual stimulation with your action and boobies, you definitely have to check them out.  I’ve moved on to some other similar stuff like Appleseed, and Akira, but still not as impressed as with the GITS stuff.

So, on to the actual purpose of this article… 

While I was watching the Watchmen movie, I couldn’t figure out (and still can’t) if Dr. Manhattan was live action, CG, or motion capture.  I think it was probably a combination of the 3, but it was so masterfully done I couldn’t tell which was which.  I’ll probably end up buying the movie on BluRay when it comes out, but until then, you just can’t tell. 

The next point is that Watchmen has probably the most gratuitious male full frontal nudity I have seen in a mainstream movie.  Not in a porn way, but if you get the Dr. Manhattan character, you realize that he really doesn’t connect with people, does not see himself as human, and really doesn’t bother to think about the necessity to comply with the norms of humans. Thus, fuck the pants.  It’s an important part of the story and the character.  I’m glad they did it and didn’t bow out to the censors who I am sure were up their asses about it. 

What got me thinking, and eventually cracking up was this: 

Assuming at least some of the Dr. Manhattan character was computer generated, there was an actual-living-person that was in charge of animating Dr. Manhattans penis. 

In addition, these discussions, by necessity, had to have taken place: 

1. How big do we make Dr. Manhattans Penis
   1. what is the appropriate length and girth for a superhero?
2. What animation mechanics need to be in place to animate Dr. Manhattans Penis to make it appear “lifelike”
3. What mathematical models are required to simulate the effect of gravity, friction, and weather effects on Dr. Manhattan’s penis vis-à-vis interaction with his body and the environment?
4. Does Dr. Manhattan have balls?
   1. Will they require separate animation mechanics and mathematical models?
5. How much budget and manpower to spend on Dr. Manhattans computer generated penis.
6. What reference material will animators need to ensure that when Dr. Manhattan moves, his penis will move in a realistic fashion?

I assure you, these discussions HAD to have taken place at some point. I can only hope that there was at least one hardcore feminist, censor, old person, gay person, or PC Nazi in the room for each of those discussions.  That would have made it just hilarious. 

So in conclusion… 

As you can now see, it is hard for me to sit through many movies.  If I am not constantly engaged, this is how my mind works.  The Watchmen was a pretty good movie, so I didn’t really start thinking about this crap until after it was over….but in most movies, my mind just starts to wander off on related tangents. 

…oh I wish I could find sitcoms entertaining…. 

JJ

And a funny related video

Find more videos like this on The Spill.com Movie Community

 PS. Upon reading this again, it really does sound like I am a snob and look down on people who are entertained by “Family Matters”  I am really not.  My wife LOVES that crap and I don’t see her as any less intelligent than I.  She just likes to let her brain veg sometimes, I don’t.  (Obviously a sign that I don’t think hard enough when I am supposed to be doing something “important”)

I think it’s just how my brain works.  I don’t envy you for being entertained by what I think is lame…it gives me more time to do other stuff. - But I don’t criticize you for it either.   If I’m bored, my brain is gonna wander anyway.  I might as well try to have fun in the process.

 Now if I could only find movie with a large-breasted antihero in a thong bodysuit talking about the implications of technology and religion on the human condition…all while telling fart jokes, blowing up shit, and singing original songs that contain references to dirty slang words for the male and female anatomy….I would finally be engaged.

When I started this crazy ride earlier this year I sat heftily at 274, with a 44 inch waist.  As of today, I am still 6′1 (hopefully, haven’t checked that) but I now weigh in at 225 and the waist is now a 37.  

^– One is  a gravel-voiced stud who makes the ladies swoon.  The other is Vin Diesel.  This comparison will make more sense later in the article, I promise. 

As I am getting closer to my still-smoking goal of 200, it’s getting a lot tougher.  I’ve added more exercise into the regimen in addition to the eating healthy route.  I now swim laps 4-5 times a week, do some water ab and oblique exercises,  and try to do 4-5 sets of curls a day.  Looks like buff will go a bit slower than the weight loss, but that was never really my goal anyway - being healthy was.

BMI ‘Tardism 

Now that I am getting close and need to kick it up a notch, I’m starting to research BMI, body fat ratios, and all that crap.  I’m sure the Body Mass Index system was designed with the best of intentions, and generalizations can’t fit all cases, but what they deem “healthy” is just insane.  I’ll show some visual specifics in a minute, but let’s talk data now. 

According to them, my BMI is currently 29.4 which makes me morbidly obese.  I get that I may have been at 275, but using their chart, I still have 45 more pounds to go to hit just OBESE. 

Now I’m 6′1″ with broad shoulders and a pretty big frame. I’ve been under 200 before, but I look pretty silly at anything less than that. 

Guess who else has the same exact height and weight as me at this very moment.  Vin Diesel.  That’s right, chrome- dome buff man is 6′1 225.  So BMI is telling me, that not only am I morbidly obese, but so is Vin Diesel?  Eat me.  You’re a douche and an idiot. 

Now I realize that I in no way have anything like the physique as Mark Sinclair Vincent  (his real name…sorry had to do something to take him down a notch) but we do have the same build underneath my chub.  Big legs, small waist, and doublewide shoulders.  He just has my 20 lbs of gut and boobs in his biceps and a body fat ratio about 20 times lower than mine. 

What bothers me about this is that you can’t find any “expert” article on health and fitness that does not make some reference to BMI.  If we again remember that my goal was to get healthy, and not look like XXX, you can understand how misleading this crap can be.  If you are telling me that I and Vin are exactly that same in terms of health, you are really confusing me and the vast majority of the female population.

The Visual Proof

If my words can’t get through your puny noggin, maybe some pics will help.  If this does not prove how f’d up the BMI system is, I don’t think anything can.  For this portion of the show we will discuss one of my favorite actors, Christian Bale.  I’ve been a huge fan of his for a while now, and if I ever go gay, he’s topping the laminated list. If you know anything about Bale, it’s that he is committed to his characters -  To the point of almost killing himself committed. 

If you are only marginally familiar with him you might know him is as the ridiculously perfect killer from American Psycho, if less so, you may know him as the equally buff Batman from the last 2 films.  What you may not know however is that he played a part in a small film called The Machinist a few years back where he played a mill worker with insomnia and mental issues that dwindled down to a skeleton. 

In Batman, Bale is a typically buff 6′0 220.  In the Machinist he was a freakish rail 130.  

First look at the pictures, then I will tell you what the BMI says about him.

 (Left Pic:  In The Machinist at 130) (Right Pic: in Batman at 220) Same dude less than 1 year apart.

According to BMI, in the pic on the left, Bale is three times more healthy than the pic on the right.    ARE YOU FRIGGIN SERIOUS? 

Here’s how the numbers break down: 

Machinist  Weight 130 -

• BMI Rating: 17.6 low/healthy border
• 17 pounds under ideal weight 

Batman Weight 220 

• BMI Rating:  29.8  obese (.4 higher than me and Vin in fact)
• 53 pounds over ideal weight

So In Conclusion:

Screw BMI. It’s about as useless as my sense of humor at a feminist rally.   I’m gonna doing what I’ve been doing.  Eating healthier, doing some exercise, and hopefully soon, quit smoking.  After all, I’d like to not only have a few kids, but hopefully see them through at least elementary school.  Don’t know if the Vin Diesel bod will ever happen, but don’t really care either. 

After all I can sing :) 

Be cool.

 JJ

PS. Don’t let the indifference fool you, I am REALLY enjoying the newfound attention from the ladies.  Been a while since I got a double take when not on stage :)  Not sure how the missus feels about it yet, but screw her too, she’s been hot all her life….

I don’t see it as a particularly good or bad thing, it just is.  Although, it does come in pretty handy in confrontations where most people get scared or pissed or teary.  I just plow through and get my way :) 

The reason I am sharing this fact with you is because I am woefully, painfully, homesick.  Me. Mr. Logic, who in my life has moved 8 times and in 6 states in the course of 5 years.  I’ve NEVER been homesick.  I actually like to move.  To me moving to a new place is usually a chance at a do-over and a new adventure.  But this time it is different.  And I can’t figure out why.  

The Family 

This one is clearly not an explanation for me.  Other than a short stint when the missus and I lived with my mom and step-dad for 6 months while looking for a job after  grad school, I haven’t lived anywhere  near my parents since I was 17.  I love my parents dearly and unlike many, really have no problems living with  them.  I’m just a pretty independent person, and most definitely not the kind of guy that needs the “mommy” type around. In addition, I don’t have a very close family.  No picnics with 20-odd people sharing the same last name and vague resemblances. 

The Friends 

I thought this might be it.  I’ve amassed a fair number of really good friends during my stay in Gainesville.    My friends are almost all musicians, we have a lot in common, and above that, they are all just really good people.  My wife who is usually somewhat introverted (until you know her…then she’s a freak) even has lots of friends around.  It might be due to the fact that she has been in approximately 19 different “class of” years at UF.  It might also be that people there are just cooler. 

What made me realize friends are not the only cause of my homesickness is that almost all of them have moved away.  We still keep in touch regularly and get together for the occasional gig, but its not on a weekly basis.

The Location 

This might be part of it too.  In my 7 years in Florida, I can honestly say that I am, and was born to be, a southerner.  Everything about it suits me.  Sunshine all the time, warm so no need to bundle up with 58 layers, a bit slower pace, better drivers, and in general nicer, friendlier, polite people.  Down here you can look a stranger in the eye and smile or say hi.  I like that.  Try that one in NYC.  If you do, 1 of 3 things will happen.  A. They will mug or shoot you  B.  They think YOU will mug or shoot them. C. They will completely and utterly ignore you.   Sadly, that is not a joke.  In addition, in many of the more affluent areas up north, people act as if they are entitled to something..   As if a Mercedes gives someone the right to cut you off in traffic, be rude to you, or otherwise treat you like a glob of gum on their shoe.  This may happen in some areas of the south (Boca) but not where I usually live.  I grew up poor, and while I would probably be considered well-to-do by most standards, I still see myself as a blue collar type guy, and treat people as equals (Even if I know I am better…which I usually am : )

The cool thing about Gainesville is that it is a college town.  Most of downtown caters to younger people.  What makes it awesome is that 10 minutes away is suburbia where I live.  Big private lots, kids running around, never have to worry about locking your door.   For someone in their mid 30’s and in many ways still sees himself in his early 20’s, it’s pretty bad ass.

The House 

Again, this may be part of it, but not all of it.  I love the house in Gainesville.  Nice pool, huge bright office, plenty of space, and through years of love, it has everything I need.  It’s not the nicest house I have ever owned…not by a long shot.  My place in CT was almost 4000 sq ft, had marble an hardwood floors and cost literally 5 times more than my place in FL.  I think I still like the FL house better.  Might be the memories. Who knows.

The Job 

Again, not it.  When I first started with my MBA and full of piss and vinegar to reach the “good life” with the corner office and fancy title, it might have been it, but it certainly is not now.   After reaching the top floor and placing my feet upon my cherry desk as I dictated a memo to my secretary, I realized that all I was buying myself was a set of golden handcuffs.  A huge mortgage, a 2 hour daily commute, and a life leading me to be a 50 y.o. CEO, most likely pulling in $1M+ a year, but hating his life, hating his wife, and knowing nothing about his kids. 

Now I think I am a bit more balanced (probably too balanced in the other direction…lol)  It’s still very important for me to love what I do.  Otherwise I just cant force myself to get up in the morning and go to work.  But now I do it in shorter intervals and really have no commitment to it.  Life comes first. Job second.  Toys are just toys. Italian marble floors impress visitors, but trust me, on a daily basis, they make absolutely no difference.

So WTF is it? 

I was hoping that in the course of writing this article, I would figure out exactly what it was that was making me homesick.  I’m ADD like that.  Things have an answer…and I need to know that answer.  I guess I am not as adept at psychology as I would like to think I am.  Either that or the lens of perception that I look through to see other people just shows guts and gook when focused inward.  (Eww. Sorry, just made myself throw up a little.) 

But I don’t.  Sarasota is nice enough.  Not quite as much to do downtown, people are a little more uppity (but many of the people I have met …cable guy, Verizon dude, plumber guy, have all been outstanding) and it’s a lot more humid and sticky, but still a giant improvement over up north.  The rental kinda sucks, but is getting better. 

I still talk to my friends at least as often as I ever did and being and additional 3 hours away from my family is still a non-issue.

The Plan 

For me, there is always a plan.  And a plan B and C.  This plan is to just wait….and wait.  Everybody is telling me time will make it better.  Since I have no other suggestion, that’s what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna grab my guitar, hit up a couple of jam nights, try to get some work project going, and then wait.  I still refer to a trip to Gainesville as going “home. ” I’ve come to realize that maybe once I think of Sarasota as home, it will begin to feel like home. 

I’m a tough fucker. My wife is also homesick and has just started her doctorly career, so she has enough drama on her plate.  The last thing she needs is a fat guy moping around the living room in dirty boxers (and if there is, I’ll beat the shit out of him, cause he’s not me…almost 50 lbs down, so now I’m just “thick”.  Go me!) 

Anyway, thanks for listening.  The self-therapy at least put a smile on my face.  Usually that type of therapy requires KY jelly and an avocado rind, but I decided to just write…keeps the keyboard less sticky. 

Be cool.  I’ll let you know how it turns out.   I’m gonna go watch Marley and Me… lol. I’m such a girl.

JJ 

PS. Since I realize that this isn’t the funniest of stories to be posting on a humor blog, here’s a joke I heard that made me laugh.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!” 

 ”I don’t care, open it now!!!” He replies.  

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???”  ”DO IT!” he orders. 

So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well.  

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey - it’s not that hard.”

lol

 Don’t know how Freudian this may be but…

• My Desktop is a Dell XPS 420
• Game Room PC Dell SP 410
• Media Server Dell SP 420
• Nik laptop - Dell XPS
• My laptop - Dell mini

What do you think that says about me :)  Hmmm wonder if there is anything behind that?

<– the actual magazine that started it all when I was 12… 

Before we begin, I want to assure you that this article is not about me.  It’s about the ladies and what makes them tick.  However, I delve a bit into what makes guys tick to help us better understand why the ladies are such a mystery to us.  (Besides, I really didn’t want a Chippendales model as the article photo on my blog…sorry)

The Backstory…

Anyone who knows me knows that I am hands-down, unquestionably, without a doubt - a butt guy.  And it’s not restricted to those little supermodel size 00 butts either.  I actually prefer a girl with a little meat on her bones. (Yes my wife is pretty small, but in a momentary lapse of judgment, I also chose intelligence and a sense of humor…but she still has a great ass, and is not afraid to show it) 

I think I can probably trace my love of the female posterior to a few things, both in my preteen formative years.  

First, I grew up long before the internet and in a household with 2 females.  Therefore, there were not the usual fatherly Playboys or porn hidden in a box somewhere.  It was also certainly long before the easy access of “2 Girls and Cup” on the internet.  

That left my fantasy time subject to the Sears catalog.  I know, how sad.  The “Christmas Dream Book” really had a special meaning to me. 

Around the time I was 12 or so, my mom began dating the man who is now my step-father.  Being a man, and even more importantly a gigantic nerd, he had porn.  Yay! But also being a nerd, most of it was “Penthouse  Forum” magazines.  Those are those little mini porn books containing lots of stories from people written in to share their wild sex lives - not the usual pictorial mag with a chick and a banana. 

I remember one book in particular that I stole early on.  It featured a woman sitting cross-legged on a beach, facing away from the camera.  Her skin was deeply tanned, the sky was a golden orange at sunset.  She was leaning forward, arms outstretched, sweat glistening on toned back. She was wearing only a black thong and had a simply amazing heart shaped ass.. 

(Holy shit, I can’t believe I found the actual cover of that magazine from 1984! Gotta love the friggin internet!  I also can’t believe how close my description of the cover was from my memory.  That’s was 25 years ago!  I was wrong about the beach, but the picture in my mind of the woman was exactly the same… and yet, today I forget who called yesterday) 

I had never seen something quite so exquisite.  I can’t be sure, by it is quite possible that no single image has ever been spanked to quite so many times in the entire history of mankind. 

As the years progressed, my fascination with the female ass and thongs has never waned.  I know plenty of girls with fabulous racks, and I never really paid attention.  Their boobs could be a 10 and their butt a 5, and I would still stare at their butt. 

Let me readjust, and get to the point of the article…. 

It is well established that some guys are butt guys, some guys are boob guys, and some guys are leg guys.  But what I still don’t know after all these years, is:  what are women? 

If you asked my wife what she would wear to get me hot, she would say in 1 second “Schoolgirl outfit, thigh highs, short skirt just barely covering butt cheeks, a thong, and pigtails”  She would not have to think twice. And she would be right. 

If you asked me what I would put on to get my wife hot (or any other girl I have ever been with) I would honestly have no idea.  There was that one girl who wanted me in her own pink panties, but that was a special case.  (I wonder if I still have her number, she was fun…) 

Anyway, what the hell DOES turn a woman on instantly?  I know all the things that take time, I know all the things that work while in the moment, but is there any tried and true thing that makes women instantly raring to go?  

So…how do you feel about Gerbils? –^

The closest universal thing I can think of is the “Officer and a Gentleman” uniform fetish, but I am not sure that even that one works across the board.  It also really implies a backstory about “saving the damsel in distress and taking her away from her hellish life.” 

I also know that lots of women like bad boys, a sense of humor, musicians, intelligence, and a healthy bank account.  The fact that I have cultivated all of these attributes is probably the only reason I have ever gotten laid in my life.

I think I might finally know what it is like to be a girl…

Lol. That was a fun header to write.  I’m 36 now. My libido has definitely slowed over the last few years.  It takes a LOT more to get me randy that it did when I was 18.  I’ve become much less visual, not strictly, the visual is still important, but the story behind it also matters now.   Watching a straight bang porn, no matter how hot the girl, really ain’t enough to make me salute in most cases. 

I think it is a function of two things.  First, I am very open minded and experimental sexually. I’ve also had a number of wild partners over the years. So it goes without saying that if it is possible to do with 2 or more people, I’ve done it at least once, most likely a few times.  Everything… Very little is on my no-go list.   As you can imagine, almost everything is vanilla to me at this point.

Second is the natural fact that I am older, fatter, and less healthy in all forms.  That also has an effect on the naughty meter. 

So if you combine the two, I think it might be a reasonable approximation how girls are their entire lives.  A hunk in a perfect outfit (assuming anyone can define what that might be)  is not enough to tickle the lady in the pink canoe.  It takes the story as well to dampen the moat. 

Am I wrong? 

So what gives ladies? Is there anything that will instantly (and that is the key word, instant) make you want to hop on a guy.  That means no conversation, no pre-formulated story, no nothing. 

It can be an outfit, it can be a keyword, it can be anything. It just has to have an instant effect. 

Me, and about 4 billion of my male buddies are really dying to know. 

Please comment below or on my Facebook, and I will be sure to pass on the advice to all my brothers out there. 

In my experience, I would have to disagree. Utter uselessness is not a gender specific thing, and I can prove it to her. 

And, since I have a penis, and she does not, before we begin the discussion of spouse retardation, let me tell you exactly how a penis thinks. 

Penis “You should go flirt with her.”

Brain “No way, she’s a 10, You are a 4. Besides, you are married and your wife is the jealous type”

Penis: “Do it anyway”

Brain “OK”

 And that’s it. Glad I could help clarify. 

So now on to the discussion about non-gender-specific-idiocy. 

My wife is a very smart woman. She will actually be a Doctor in about 3 months. We have been married a little over 10 years with her in school 9 years of that. (Word of advice: Marry them AFTER they finish school. That way her parents pay the tab) 

She is not one of those absent-minded geniuses either.  She can interact socially, picks up on subtleties in conversation, and in most cases is generally with it.

However, she would lose her ass if it was not attached.  (aaaah, now the title makes sense…she couldn’t find her ass with 2 hands and a map…clever. ) Nothing is safe.  She also has this thing about eating food past its expiration date.  The only problem is that her “expiration date” has nothing to do with the date printed on the wrapper.  I can only assume that it is calculated with a complicated algebraic equation involving lots of letters that resides solely in her head and cannot be explained to a simple man such as myself. 

It is also important to note that she spends about 90% of her home existence on or near the couch in the living room. We have a 3000 s.f .home with 3 bedrooms, an office, a dedicated home theater, a finished garage, and a giant outdoor area with a hot tub and pool.  But the living room is where she parks it almost all of the time.   That is where she eats, studies, relaxes, exercises, and occasionally sleeps if she is on call or has been studying late.   Her makeup supplies, laptop, bookcase, hair products, stair master, and remotes are all within easy distance from the couch. Assuming she can find them. 

So here is a typical conversation between us. Her on the couch, me in my office 30 feet away. 

Her:  “I can’t find a frigging phone that is charged”

Me:  “I’m sorry, my phone in here is charged.”

Her:  “How come I can never find a phone that works?”

Me:  ”Because you never put it back on the charger.”

Her: “Whatever”

Her: “Can you bring me yours?”

Me: ‘No”

Her: “Come on. I got a buttload of studying to do, let me use your phone.”

Me: “Fine. Here” (I bring it to her)

 An hour later: 

Ring Ring 

Her: “Where is the phone? I can hear it ringing.”

Me: “Don’t know, you took mine remember?”

Her: “Help me find it.”

Me: “No”

Her: “Fine, screw it. Let the machine pick it up”

Machine kicks in and it’s one of her friends.

Her: “Hang on. Hang on. I need to find the phone” (apparently some type of female telepathy )

Me: “Check the couch ‘tard. “ 

Finds the phone in the couch. After all, it is the only ringing thing with flashing lights around her.  

Her: “Hello? Yeah, sorry couldn’t find a frigging phone in this house that is charged. ”

Them: ” murmer murmer murmer”

Her: yeah. “The batteries suck on these things. ”

Me: snicker

After phone call ends, I walk in and take my phone back. I walk back to my office and place it on the charger.

When she gets up to do something, I walk back to the living room and look in the couch…  

There are 2 dead phones, the tivo remote, a brush, eyelash curlers, a plate, 4 spoons, and an empty plastic cup. 

I place the phones back on the chargers in the kitchen and living room. 

An hour later…. 

Ring Ring. 

Her: “I need the phone again and you took yours back. ”

Me. “No. Look on the charger right next to you. ”

Her. “Cool. Where’d you find it? ”

Me: “Guess”

Her: Tee hee hee. (innocently) 

She picks up the phone 

Her: “Hello? ”

Them: ” murmer murmer murmer”

Her: “yeah, I totally….

Her:  yelling to me  “Crap. Frigging phone died again”

Me: “Well I just put it on the charger dildo. ”

Her: “Let me borrow yours. ”

Me: ” No. You can use it in here if you put it back on the charger. ”

Her: “Fucker” 

This time she comes to me and sits on my desk jabbering for 15 minutes while I am trying to work, or more importantly surf porn.  I wait. 

She ends her call, and takes the phone back to the living room and tosses the phone on the couch.  I see it fall off the couch, roll onto the floor, and hide behind a stack of books. 

I walk back into the living room. 

Her: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Taking my phone back so you won’t lose it”

Her: “I won’t loose it.  I’m not that dense.  It’s right here…  Crap, where did it go?”

One hour later. 

Her: “Where are my glasses”

 Repeat daily for 10 years.

Now to the food discussion: 

As I said, my wife is very picky about expiration dates on food. She has some internal logic about how the date changes if the product has been opened.

Her: “Make me a sandwich too”

Me: “Fine. You want mayo? ”

Her: “Yeah. Wait, how old is it? ”

Me: “The date says May of 2010. ” (It’s now March of 2009)

Her: “That doesn’t mean anything. When did you open it?”

Me: “I’m guessing probably last week when I got it. ”

Her: ” Is it still good? ”

Me: “The expiration date is OVER A YEAR AWAY”

Her: “So, it’s already opened. That doesn’t mean anything. ”

Me: “Well I’m guessing it is still good. We could send it off to the lab to be sure, but that will take a while. ”

Her: “Smart ass. Nevermind. No mayo. I got a lot to do and can’t risk getting sick.

Me: “Nik, seriously. I highly doubt that mayo goes bad in a week if it’s in the refrigerator.  I can’t imagine anyone going through 64 ounces or mayo in a single week.  If it really went bad that fast, I’m guessing they would sell it smaller containers. ”

Her: ” Nah. Not worth it.  They just do that to sell more mayo. ”

Me thinking: lol. Now there is some flawed logic.

Me: “Suit yourself, but I’m guessing they would not put an expiration date a year off if it will go bad in a week. ”

 I bring her the sandwich which is now 2 pieces of bread and some roast beef. (no lettuce because it was too “chunky”) 

Her. “Eww. This sandwich tastes like crap. ”

Me thinking: I totally need a new wife. Good thing she’s cute.

My penis: ” I think you should flirt with her”

My brain: “OK. ”

So In Summary… 

And that there is all there is to it.  I’m glad I could help straighten things out for you Dani. The missus also has a sister named Dani that I was trying to bang before her.  Another time, another story. 

From your blog, I see that your husband is a cop. Please don’t let him go all Lakeview Terrace on my ass. Even though I am a big guy, I’m very fragile. 

I encourage all of you married guys to stand up and admit that your wife is retarded.  It’s not ALL us after all. ‘Tardism knows no gender.

JJ

So here’s the story…

I went to the doctor today for a somewhat serious issue, but since I hadn’t been in quite a while, I also decided to get a physical just to see how fat and unhealthy I had actually become over the last year (very much so as it turns out).

Now I will be the first to point out that I use humor as a defense mechanism. I’m kind of like Chandler from the show Friends. I can find some type of humor in almost any situation, and when I am uncomfortable, I will use that humor, often inappropriately.

In the office…

After the obligatory 10 hour wait I entered my exam room. I hit it off immediately with the nurse tech, a robust woman with a friendly personality and a quick smile. She was a piece of cake. As a large guy, cracking a joke about stepping on the scale was enough for an easy laugh and immediate tension breaker.

She proceeded to take my history, do the normal blood pressure and check-up type stuff. The tone of the discussion became a little more serious, but because we were both generally happy/funny people it was easy to keep the conversation light.

When she finished, I was told to wait for the PA for the actual visit. I proceeded to review some articles I brought with me and settled in for what I assumed would be an hour wait.

To my surprise, the PA came in after just a few minutes. Severe, is probably the best word to describe her. She was a large woman (not fat, just large) with a kind of butch haircut and no-nonsense demeanor. Think women’s softball coach, and that is probably the right picture.

We began to review my records and talk about what was going on. Feeling pretty uncomfortable with both the situation and this woman in particular, I ramped up the humor. I made every possible joke or funny reference I could think of to ease the tension (all mine I admit, she was about as indifferent as Martha Stewart at a Snoop Dog concert)

Nothing. Not a smile, not a chuckle, not even a glint of humanity in her eye.

We then proceeded to the physical part of the exam, whereby she told me I was fat, lazy, and need to stop smoking. That came as absolutely no surprise. We made idle chit chat during the process where I explained that my wife is just about to finish Vet school, how her best friend is also a PA, and tried to throw in a few more jokes. Still nothing

Then she said, “Pull down your pants.”

And this was literally the first though in my head…

“Dammit. It’s cold in here.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I would guess I am an average white male. I’m not real big on pulling my pants down for anyone, especially when there is a good chance I am at maximum shrinkage. Combine that with Ms. Beula Ballbreaker in front of me, and I am anything but sexually aroused. Not a great combination to exemplify the male prowess.

It’s funny how that is always the first thing that goes through a guys mind. The doctor could be telling you are dying, and when they ask you to drop trow, I guarantee you the first thing a guy thinks is how small their dick will look.

Anyway, I unbuckle my belt and drop my pants to the floor. She grabs hold of my package with the sent of rubber gloves, talcum power, and for some reason lemon Pledge, wafting in the air.

And then she giggles.

In case you didn’t catch that, this woman who I have not been able to get to even break a smile in the last 15 minutes of my more outlandish behavior – This woman who looks like an angry lesbian version of the mean mom from Little House on the Prairie… is holding my package and giggling.

Needless to say I was not thrilled.

She told me to pull my pants back up, as apparently the humiliation was over. She then made a few notes and we went our separate ways without another word said - Me to pay the outlandish bill, and her I am sure, to club some baby seals or maybe mock some handicapped kids.

As I drove home, I began to think about why she laughed at that particular moment when nothing I said or did earlier caused a similar reaction.

I may be simply justifying her reaction to myself, but I think something I had said earlier had just sunk in and she was making one of those introspective chuckles we all do sometimes when a funny thought or memory is triggered. It just happened to be extremely bad timing. I’m fairly sure that her very indifference the rest of the visit meant that she could give a crap about me, or my insecurities about the fact that I was butt-ass naked in her office. But it hurt regardless.

The moral of the story

Well there are actually two. The first is this: There isn’t always a place for humor. I was at the doctors for a serious matter. Not life-threatening, but serious nonetheless. I should have sucked it up and stayed serious even if I was uncomfortable. Ultimately, her giggle, which I still maintain was not directed AT me, but may have come FROM me, was my own fault.

Second, if you ever have a man’s penis in your hands – and I say this in the gravest of tones – DO NOT, under any circumstances – ever, ever laugh. I don’t care if you just thought of the time you friend splurted milk out her nose, or your dog is dry humping your favorite stuffed animal, don’t laugh. Don’t do it. It’s a part of the male psyche that will never be confident.

So business people. Try to keep in mind the context of the situation. Using humor is often a great tool, but as you can see, it is not without peril.

And ladies, please be kind and don’t mock our insecurities. You hold our fragile ego, right in the palm of your hands.

Be cool.

JJ