Dani over at This aint no Effin Mom Blog had a great post called How Penises Think that motivated me to respond.  In it she described how her husband would not be able to function in the real world without her. 

In my experience, I would have to disagree. Utter uselessness is not a gender specific thing, and I can prove it to her. 

And, since I have a penis, and she does not, before we begin the discussion of spouse retardation, let me tell you exactly how a penis thinks. 

Penis “You should go flirt with her.”

Brain “No way, she’s a 10, You are a 4. Besides, you are married and your wife is the jealous type”

Penis: “Do it anyway”

Brain “OK”

 And that’s it. Glad I could help clarify. 

So now on to the discussion about non-gender-specific-idiocy. 

My wife is a very smart woman. She will actually be a Doctor in about 3 months. We have been married a little over 10 years with her in school 9 years of that. (Word of advice: Marry them AFTER they finish school. That way her parents pay the tab) 

She is not one of those absent-minded geniuses either.  She can interact socially, picks up on subtleties in conversation, and in most cases is generally with it.

However, she would lose her ass if it was not attached.  (aaaah, now the title makes sense…she couldn’t find her ass with 2 hands and a map…clever. ) Nothing is safe.  She also has this thing about eating food past its expiration date.  The only problem is that her “expiration date” has nothing to do with the date printed on the wrapper.  I can only assume that it is calculated with a complicated algebraic equation involving lots of letters that resides solely in her head and cannot be explained to a simple man such as myself. 

It is also important to note that she spends about 90% of her home existence on or near the couch in the living room. We have a 3000 s.f .home with 3 bedrooms, an office, a dedicated home theater, a finished garage, and a giant outdoor area with a hot tub and pool.  But the living room is where she parks it almost all of the time.   That is where she eats, studies, relaxes, exercises, and occasionally sleeps if she is on call or has been studying late.   Her makeup supplies, laptop, bookcase, hair products, stair master, and remotes are all within easy distance from the couch. Assuming she can find them. 

So here is a typical conversation between us. Her on the couch, me in my office 30 feet away. 

Her:  “I can’t find a frigging phone that is charged”

Me:  “I’m sorry, my phone in here is charged.”

Her:  “How come I can never find a phone that works?”

Me:  ”Because you never put it back on the charger.”

Her: “Whatever”

Her: “Can you bring me yours?”

Me: ‘No”

Her: “Come on. I got a buttload of studying to do, let me use your phone.”

Me: “Fine. Here” (I bring it to her)

 An hour later: 

Ring Ring 

Her: “Where is the phone? I can hear it ringing.”

Me: “Don’t know, you took mine remember?”

Her: “Help me find it.”

Me: “No”

Her: “Fine, screw it. Let the machine pick it up”

Machine kicks in and it’s one of her friends.

Her: “Hang on. Hang on. I need to find the phone” (apparently some type of female telepathy )

Me: “Check the couch ‘tard. “ 

Finds the phone in the couch. After all, it is the only ringing thing with flashing lights around her.  

Her: “Hello? Yeah, sorry couldn’t find a frigging phone in this house that is charged. ”

Them: ” murmer murmer murmer”

Her: yeah. “The batteries suck on these things. ”

Me: snicker

 

After phone call ends, I walk in and take my phone back. I walk back to my office and place it on the charger.

When she gets up to do something, I walk back to the living room and look in the couch…  

There are 2 dead phones, the tivo remote, a brush, eyelash curlers, a plate, 4 spoons, and an empty plastic cup. 

I place the phones back on the chargers in the kitchen and living room. 

An hour later…. 

Ring Ring. 

Her: “I need the phone again and you took yours back. ”

Me. “No. Look on the charger right next to you. ”

Her. “Cool. Where’d you find it? ”

Me: “Guess”

Her: Tee hee hee. (innocently) 

She picks up the phone 

Her: “Hello? ”

Them: ” murmer murmer murmer”

Her: “yeah, I totally….

Her:  yelling to me  “Crap. Frigging phone died again”

Me: “Well I just put it on the charger dildo. ”

Her: “Let me borrow yours. ”

Me: ” No. You can use it in here if you put it back on the charger. ”

Her: “Fucker” 

This time she comes to me and sits on my desk jabbering for 15 minutes while I am trying to work, or more importantly surf porn.  I wait. 

She ends her call, and takes the phone back to the living room and tosses the phone on the couch.  I see it fall off the couch, roll onto the floor, and hide behind a stack of books. 

I walk back into the living room. 

Her: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Taking my phone back so you won’t lose it”

Her: “I won’t loose it.  I’m not that dense.  It’s right here…  Crap, where did it go?”

One hour later. 

Her: “Where are my glasses”

 Repeat daily for 10 years.

 

Now to the food discussion: 

As I said, my wife is very picky about expiration dates on food. She has some internal logic about how the date changes if the product has been opened.

Her: “Make me a sandwich too”

Me: “Fine. You want mayo? ”

Her: “Yeah. Wait, how old is it? ”

Me: “The date says May of 2010. ” (It’s now March of 2009)

Her: “That doesn’t mean anything. When did you open it?”

Me: “I’m guessing probably last week when I got it. ”

Her: ” Is it still good? ”

Me: “The expiration date is OVER A YEAR AWAY”

Her: “So, it’s already opened. That doesn’t mean anything. ”

Me: “Well I’m guessing it is still good. We could send it off to the lab to be sure, but that will take a while. ”

Her: “Smart ass. Nevermind. No mayo. I got a lot to do and can’t risk getting sick.

Me: “Nik, seriously. I highly doubt that mayo goes bad in a week if it’s in the refrigerator.  I can’t imagine anyone going through 64 ounces or mayo in a single week.  If it really went bad that fast, I’m guessing they would sell it smaller containers. ”

Her: ” Nah. Not worth it.  They just do that to sell more mayo. ”

Me thinking: lol. Now there is some flawed logic.

Me: “Suit yourself, but I’m guessing they would not put an expiration date a year off if it will go bad in a week. ”

 I bring her the sandwich which is now 2 pieces of bread and some roast beef. (no lettuce because it was too “chunky”) 

Her. “Eww. This sandwich tastes like crap. ”

Me thinking: I totally need a new wife. Good thing she’s cute.

My penis: ” I think you should flirt with her”

My brain: “OK. ”

 

So In Summary… 

And that there is all there is to it.  I’m glad I could help straighten things out for you Dani. The missus also has a sister named Dani that I was trying to bang before her.  Another time, another story. 

From your blog, I see that your husband is a cop. Please don’t let him go all Lakeview Terrace on my ass. Even though I am a big guy, I’m very fragile. 

I encourage all of you married guys to stand up and admit that your wife is retarded.  It’s not ALL us after all. ‘Tardism knows no gender.

 

 

JJ