<– the actual magazine that started it all when I was 12… 

Before we begin, I want to assure you that this article is not about me.  It’s about the ladies and what makes them tick.  However, I delve a bit into what makes guys tick to help us better understand why the ladies are such a mystery to us.  (Besides, I really didn’t want a Chippendales model as the article photo on my blog…sorry)

The Backstory…

Anyone who knows me knows that I am hands-down, unquestionably, without a doubt - a butt guy.  And it’s not restricted to those little supermodel size 00 butts either.  I actually prefer a girl with a little meat on her bones. (Yes my wife is pretty small, but in a momentary lapse of judgment, I also chose intelligence and a sense of humor…but she still has a great ass, and is not afraid to show it) 

I think I can probably trace my love of the female posterior to a few things, both in my preteen formative years.  

First, I grew up long before the internet and in a household with 2 females.  Therefore, there were not the usual fatherly Playboys or porn hidden in a box somewhere.  It was also certainly long before the easy access of “2 Girls and Cup” on the internet.  

That left my fantasy time subject to the Sears catalog.  I know, how sad.  The “Christmas Dream Book” really had a special meaning to me. 

Around the time I was 12 or so, my mom began dating the man who is now my step-father.  Being a man, and even more importantly a gigantic nerd, he had porn.  Yay! But also being a nerd, most of it was “Penthouse  Forum” magazines.  Those are those little mini porn books containing lots of stories from people written in to share their wild sex lives - not the usual pictorial mag with a chick and a banana. 

I remember one book in particular that I stole early on.  It featured a woman sitting cross-legged on a beach, facing away from the camera.  Her skin was deeply tanned, the sky was a golden orange at sunset.  She was leaning forward, arms outstretched, sweat glistening on toned back. She was wearing only a black thong and had a simply amazing heart shaped ass.. 

(Holy shit, I can’t believe I found the actual cover of that magazine from 1984! Gotta love the friggin internet!  I also can’t believe how close my description of the cover was from my memory.  That’s was 25 years ago!  I was wrong about the beach, but the picture in my mind of the woman was exactly the same… and yet, today I forget who called yesterday) 

I had never seen something quite so exquisite.  I can’t be sure, by it is quite possible that no single image has ever been spanked to quite so many times in the entire history of mankind. 

As the years progressed, my fascination with the female ass and thongs has never waned.  I know plenty of girls with fabulous racks, and I never really paid attention.  Their boobs could be a 10 and their butt a 5, and I would still stare at their butt. 

Let me readjust, and get to the point of the article…. 

It is well established that some guys are butt guys, some guys are boob guys, and some guys are leg guys.  But what I still don’t know after all these years, is:  what are women? 

If you asked my wife what she would wear to get me hot, she would say in 1 second “Schoolgirl outfit, thigh highs, short skirt just barely covering butt cheeks, a thong, and pigtails”  She would not have to think twice. And she would be right. 

If you asked me what I would put on to get my wife hot (or any other girl I have ever been with) I would honestly have no idea.  There was that one girl who wanted me in her own pink panties, but that was a special case.  (I wonder if I still have her number, she was fun…) 

Anyway, what the hell DOES turn a woman on instantly?  I know all the things that take time, I know all the things that work while in the moment, but is there any tried and true thing that makes women instantly raring to go?  

So…how do you feel about Gerbils? –^

The closest universal thing I can think of is the “Officer and a Gentleman” uniform fetish, but I am not sure that even that one works across the board.  It also really implies a backstory about “saving the damsel in distress and taking her away from her hellish life.” 

I also know that lots of women like bad boys, a sense of humor, musicians, intelligence, and a healthy bank account.  The fact that I have cultivated all of these attributes is probably the only reason I have ever gotten laid in my life.

I think I might finally know what it is like to be a girl…

Lol. That was a fun header to write.  I’m 36 now. My libido has definitely slowed over the last few years.  It takes a LOT more to get me randy that it did when I was 18.  I’ve become much less visual, not strictly, the visual is still important, but the story behind it also matters now.   Watching a straight bang porn, no matter how hot the girl, really ain’t enough to make me salute in most cases. 

I think it is a function of two things.  First, I am very open minded and experimental sexually. I’ve also had a number of wild partners over the years. So it goes without saying that if it is possible to do with 2 or more people, I’ve done it at least once, most likely a few times.  Everything… Very little is on my no-go list.   As you can imagine, almost everything is vanilla to me at this point.

Second is the natural fact that I am older, fatter, and less healthy in all forms.  That also has an effect on the naughty meter. 

So if you combine the two, I think it might be a reasonable approximation how girls are their entire lives.  A hunk in a perfect outfit (assuming anyone can define what that might be)  is not enough to tickle the lady in the pink canoe.  It takes the story as well to dampen the moat. 

Am I wrong? 

So what gives ladies? Is there anything that will instantly (and that is the key word, instant) make you want to hop on a guy.  That means no conversation, no pre-formulated story, no nothing. 

It can be an outfit, it can be a keyword, it can be anything. It just has to have an instant effect. 

Me, and about 4 billion of my male buddies are really dying to know. 

Please comment below or on my Facebook, and I will be sure to pass on the advice to all my brothers out there.