The Thong that Sank a Thousand Ships

18 Feb

Posted by JJ Kennedy as Business Humor

This article is proof that sometimes your favorite topics just find a way to come together. I this case, it’s thongs and marketing.

I love thongs. At the beach, by the pool, under a short skirt, with low rise jeans, everywhere. In my opinion, there is no butt a thong does not make better. And before I leave you stuck with the visual of a fat, middle-aged guy waddling along the shoreline in butt floss, let me make it clear that I am not talking about me. I am talking about all you lovely ladies of all shapes and sizes.

If you are a facebook buddy or twitter follower, you know I have been kindof obsessed lately with the fact that Venus Swimwear is no longer marketing or selling thong bikinis. And on first glance, I get it. I really do. Thongs probably represent a tiny percentage of their total sales. I don’t know the figures, but I would probably put it at 1-3%. In business terms it’s a dog.

Before you agree with me, let me pleasure you anecdotally with a story about my life.

My wife is hot. I’ve said that before. That’s not the coolest thing about her, but it definitely is a perk. That combined with my love of thong bikinis has led to her having an entire drawer filled with about $1000 worth of bikinis…but here is where it gets interesting. Of that $1000, maybe $200 of them are thongs. And that is the point to keep in mind as I continue.

Venus is kind of the hot schoolteacher/Wisteria Lane (Sorry for the Desperate Housewives reference…my wife watches it) upscale classy yet naughty swimwear retailer. The swimsuits average about $80 for a bikini, and you can buy all sorts of accessories and mix and match. Think Macy’s with a nice ass.

Now, as a purveyor of all things thong, you can imagine that on the back of my toilet, as I am sure yours, is a stack of various reading materials. Venus and Victoria’s Secret catalogs among them. As I flip through these catalogs while doing my thing, I by sheer force of nature, always stop on one showing a thong and imagine how good it would look on my wife.

I dog ear the page, wash my hands (as you always should) and bring the magazine to my wife. At which point we ALWAYS have the same discussion which goes kind of like this.

Me. “If I get you this will you wear it?”

Her. “No.”

Me. “Come on honey, you will look awesome in it!”

Her. “No”

Me. “Well I’m gonna get it for you anyway. Maybe you will wear it.”

Her. “No”

Me. “Why Not?”

Her. “We have had this discussion before.”

Me. “Well remind me?”

Her. “First, I’m too fat for that (she’s not) and nobody wants to see me in that anymore.”

Me. <Butting in> “No you look awesome!”

Her. <Butting Back in> “SECOND I am a doctor now. I don’t think people want to see their doctor prancing around in a thong like a slutty college girl.”

Me <thinking> Man if I saw my hot doctor in a thong bikini, that would DEFINATLY become my primary physician….

Me. “Well how about for by the pool?”

Her. “Ok. I might wear it at home…. But I do like the brazilian back one…and the wrap.”

Me. <thinking> SCORE! At least she will wear it around the house by the pool….and if I get her the moderate one, I can always sneak the thong into the suitcase…and who knows maybe she will feel adventurous at the beach.

And that’s it. The discussion may not go exactly the same everywhere, but I am guessing I’m not alone either.

So what is The Business Point of All This?

First. Don’t assume that because a product has poor sales that it is a dog. It might be a gateway product or a loss leader. Supermarkets sell turkeys for .$.19 a pound on Thanksgiving at a loss to get you to buy hundreds of bucks of stuffing, wine, cranberries, and everything else that goes alone with it.

Looking at a balance sheet will never tell you this. Only meaningful interaction and close observation of your buyer’s behavior will tell you this. In my case, for every $40 I spend on a thong bottom, it will also come with a $40 top (or maybe 2) a $40 moderate bottom, and a $30 wrap at a minimum.

If you no longer sell or market the thong bikini, I no longer bring the magazine to my wife, I will no longer plead with her like a buffoon, and Venus will no longer get my $150 sale - ALL of which was driven by your 1-2% dog product.

Stay cool.

PS. I’m also going to send this to a few marketing execs at Venus. I don’t know any of them personally, but when I was a VP of Marketing for a big ass firm, this type of feedback would certainly be helpful. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.