I hate posting this. Not the article, but the fact that I have to post this ONLY on my humor site. It was acceptable to dedicate an entire article to my penis on my marketing site , but defending a homosexual male is a no no. It’s f*d up, its wrong, and as a business guy, it‘s career suicide in my line of work to do any different. So, I apologize. 

Dec. 20: Addendum to this, I wrote this article about 2 weeks ago and parked it, not sure if I should post it or not.  But screw it. Life is short. Some things are worth fighting for.

Onto the story…

I’m sitting here waiting for my Warcraft server to come back online after the 3.3 patch. I‘ve been waiting all day, so I thought I would write an article to keep myself occupied. I could be doing work, but I have been networking like a madman for the last few weeks, and have 4 more networking events planned before Friday, so I’m taking a breather. Besides, the 15,000 of you that come to check out my stuff each month deserve an update every once and a while. J Thanks for sticking in there.

Normally, I wouldn’t be writing about music in general, never mind American Idol contestants, but I have been recently troubled by my own reaction to the Adam Lambert scandal.

If you are a reader of my stuff, you know that I fervently support gay rights, gay marriage, gay whatever. Yes I am straight and married, but not so straight that I can’t have a man crush on Christian Bale. Having my particular brand of humor and just-short-of-a-caricature public persona also allows me to say things like that with zero hesitation… while I would guess than many a male would secretly agree, they still publicly deny the same.

In my case, I could pretty much tell my friends that I just blew a St. Bernard and they wouldn’t be surprised….and I love them for that J

The controversy skinny

In case you are not familiar with the Adam Lambert scandal, basically it went like this: Adam is an openly gay male - Not a big deal. He performed on the American Music Awards and in his performance open mouth kissed a dude and had a male dancer bob his head in his crotch - apparently a HUGE deal.

That performance sent the dirt pubs screaming, public outrage ensued, and as a result ,ABC cancelled his following day appearance on Good Morning America. Said performance was quickly snached up and moved to CBS for the Early Show instead where ratings neither increased or decreased as a result. They just stayed about the same.

Pro-Lambertians Take

The supporters of the performance say that is was no different from what happens every day on TV between 2 chicks. And they are right. While the Madonna/Britney kiss at the VMA’s did stir up a little excitement, it didn’t exactly stir up a whole lot of controversy…and that was like 10 conservative years ago. (As a side note, Christina Aguilerra was on the other side of Madonna and shared a kiss immediately after Britney…but nobody seems to remember that…weird) These days, girl on girl is so overdone that it’s not even worth mentioning, never mind petitioning the FCC.

Anti-Lambertians Take

The usuals crawled out of the woodwork to chime in calling the performance tasteless, inappropriate, degrading, perverted, and basically the last and final sign of the apocalypse (which according to John Cusack won’t happen for another 3 years…so I don’t think we need to worry about that right now.) If I had the time, I would love to research how many of those same people complained over every single girl/girl kiss on TV since the Madonna/Britney incident.

 Just a quick search of the web resulted in this actual FCC complaint filed by the Liberty Council on charges of “..indecent homosexual content”…

Note: not idecent sexual content, but indecent homosexual content. Apparently guy/girl indecent content, indecent portrayal of sexual acts, and the fore-mentioned blowing of a canine are acceptable. Just no fags.

Apparently the irony of the definition of Liberty is lost on the folks at the Liberty Council. Kind of like Hitler calling the Third Reich the “Equality Movement.”

The other critics say that he only did it for the shock value and has no true talent. Well duh! Of course he did it for the shock value. Performers perform. (Hence why my tour entitled “old dude on chair reading a book” never really took off like I hoped it would)

Why exactly do you think Madonna kissed Britney (and Christina) at the VMA’s? To find out what flavor toothpaste she used?

The talent portion is bunk however. Even if you think he has no talent as a singer (which, as a musician of 30 years myself, I think he does) the fact that you are even talking about him proves he has talent as a performer. Neener. Circular argument.

My take

This is where I have been struggling. I think as a whole what Lambert did was a GOOD thing. There is no reason for the guy/girl gayness double standard. Hopefully his performance opened the door for other performers to do the same, take it to the next level, and finally come to a point where it is so commonplace as to be uneventful. Just like drunken sorority girls making out in a bar. Been there. Got the tshirt. You’re “wild and edgy” I get it.

And now my admission…

I try to think of myself as supportive and open minded, but if I am being completely honest, I have to admit - The Lambert video kinda made me go “ewww.”

As I thought about it, 2 dudes kissing, even fantastically good looking ones, make me go eww. Yes me! The gayest straight person you probably know. Conceptually I’m fine with it, but the visual is just… yuck.

If you think you are not the same (and I know many of my readers are female, so you don’t have to worry about being branded but you will have the same reaction)

Imagine this visual.

And alas, therein lies the rub.

The problem for Adam

If we follow the logical assumption that Adam was doing this for shock value (to ultimately increase interest in him)and not for political advancement in a Ghandi-esque type of way, I think it misfired. What he didn’t take into consideration is the undeclared “ewww factor” that exists in our society even among the homo-firendly. When Britney and Madonna kissed, most people were like “that’s kinda hot.” It made me want to watch it again, and perhaps made me more interested in them.

However when I saw Adam attempt to swallow his keyboard players face, I kinda cringed. I actually had to look away from the screen for a sec the same way I do when they are opening up a decomposed body on “Bones.” And I can’t imagine that was his desired effect. And this was me sitting alone, not guys in group macho-ing it up and deathly terrified their buddies ascertain that they are cool with anything homosexual lest they be branded a fag-lover or worse, one themselves.

Side note; Using the word “lest” or “ascertain” in a sentence on guy-night will often have the same result.

The difference between Adam Lambert, and Madonna/Britney

I think the difference between the Madonna/Britney event and the Lambert event is that the majority of people thought that 2 girls making out was hot BEFORE oldie and the bald one did it on national television. It’s not like nobody ever though of it before (trust me, I though about it pretty much every day from the age of 12 on) They just added the edge that they were both famous, attractive, and reportedly straight.

And while I think we have come a tremendous way within a short time period on gay rights, I just don’t think that the world is ready just yet to think that guy on guy kissing is hot. I know for a fact that homosexuality was not only commonplace but encouraged in many civilized countries before the invention of the catholic church and the condemning of all things fun as as sin by people like Saint Augustine who prior to his “enlightment“ was a sometimes gay, often drunken, man-slut himself (You can hate me, but its true….look it up) But right here, right now, I just don’t think many people, guy or girl, think that man-kissing is sexy.

Is it wrong? Of course. Is it fair? Of course not. Is it the way it is? Yep.

For now.

Going Forward

I am going to attempt to find the err in my ways, but I don’t think its gonna happen anytime soon. There are still just too many taboos on the guy side. If you are not a guy, you have NO IDEA about how much pressure there is to not be gay. Or do anything gay, know anything gay, know anyone gay, or be perceived as gay. It’s basically the grown man version of Cooties. And about as mature. All I can say is that out dudes must have some stone f*n thick skin.

For Lambert, I stand by my argument that it was a good thing. If nothing else, it gets the discussion in people faces. A few years down the road we will probably see Dude Gaga complete with paint on pants, strobe lights, guy on girl, girl on girl, guy and guy, and maybe a monkee.

If the world is at all a fair and just place, in a decade it will be so commonplace as to deem uneventful. By then the world will be looking for the next shocking thing to disgust them… and you know what will inevitably come next.

2 dudes and cup.

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Made you make the vomit face again didn’t I?

• 0 Comments

In recognition of all my brothers who have been made to sit through Twilight or New Moon with their wives and girlfriends, I present to you a gift.  Fuck Team Edward, Fuck Team Jacob.  Us guys are starting our own. I present to you Team Alice!

• 0 Comments

I spent a few nights last week reading the Watchmen graphic novel, and watched the movie last night…and I was pretty impressed.  A bunch of my friends commented that it looked great but was hard to follow.  I’d have to agree.  The book was a bit tough to make sense of, and the movie which obviously had to cut out some parts to have it come in at less than 12 hours was even worse.  When you put the 2 together, however, you got a  good gist of what they were trying to say.  But I feel ya.

Put short -  I liked it.  Neat story. Really Smart Anti-hero premise.  Pretty Deep.  

 - But what really got me thinking, and then laughing, has to do with Dr. Manhattan’s computer generated penis.    Read the rest of this entry »

• 6 Comments

Well , I’m two-thirds of the way to my ideal weight.  Actually closer to ¾ but I am giving myself some buffer so I don’t freak out when I gain 10 or 15 pounds when I quit smoking (next goal).

When I started this crazy ride earlier this year I sat heftily at 274, with a 44 inch waist.  As of today, I am still 6′1 (hopefully, haven’t checked that) but I now weigh in at 225 and the waist is now a 37.  

^– One is  a gravel-voiced stud who makes the ladies swoon.  The other is Vin Diesel.  This comparison will make more sense later in the article, I promise. 

As I am getting closer to my still-smoking goal of 200, it’s getting a lot tougher.  I’ve added more exercise into the regimen in addition to the eating healthy route.  I now swim laps 4-5 times a week, do some water ab and oblique exercises,  and try to do 4-5 sets of curls a day.  Looks like buff will go a bit slower than the weight loss, but that was never really my goal anyway - being healthy was.

BMI ‘Tardism 

Now that I am getting close and need to kick it up a notch, I’m starting to research BMI, body fat ratios, and all that crap.  I’m sure the Body Mass Index system was designed with the best of intentions, and generalizations can’t fit all cases, but what they deem “healthy” is just insane.  I’ll show some visual specifics in a minute, but let’s talk data now. 

According to them, my BMI is currently 29.4 which makes me morbidly obese.  I get that I may have been at 275, but using their chart, I still have 45 more pounds to go to hit just OBESE. 

Now I’m 6′1″ with broad shoulders and a pretty big frame. I’ve been under 200 before, but I look pretty silly at anything less than that. 

Guess who else has the same exact height and weight as me at this very moment.  Vin Diesel.  That’s right, chrome- dome buff man is 6′1 225.  So BMI is telling me, that not only am I morbidly obese, but so is Vin Diesel?  Eat me.  You’re a douche and an idiot. 

Now I realize that I in no way have anything like the physique as Mark Sinclair Vincent  (his real name…sorry had to do something to take him down a notch) but we do have the same build underneath my chub.  Big legs, small waist, and doublewide shoulders.  He just has my 20 lbs of gut and boobs in his biceps and a body fat ratio about 20 times lower than mine. 

What bothers me about this is that you can’t find any “expert” article on health and fitness that does not make some reference to BMI.  If we again remember that my goal was to get healthy, and not look like XXX, you can understand how misleading this crap can be.  If you are telling me that I and Vin are exactly that same in terms of health, you are really confusing me and the vast majority of the female population.

The Visual Proof

If my words can’t get through your puny noggin, maybe some pics will help.  If this does not prove how f’d up the BMI system is, I don’t think anything can.  For this portion of the show we will discuss one of my favorite actors, Christian Bale.  I’ve been a huge fan of his for a while now, and if I ever go gay, he’s topping the laminated list. If you know anything about Bale, it’s that he is committed to his characters -  To the point of almost killing himself committed. 

If you are only marginally familiar with him you might know him is as the ridiculously perfect killer from American Psycho, if less so, you may know him as the equally buff Batman from the last 2 films.  What you may not know however is that he played a part in a small film called The Machinist a few years back where he played a mill worker with insomnia and mental issues that dwindled down to a skeleton. 

In Batman, Bale is a typically buff 6′0 220.  In the Machinist he was a freakish rail 130.  

First look at the pictures, then I will tell you what the BMI says about him.

 (Left Pic:  In The Machinist at 130) (Right Pic: in Batman at 220) Same dude less than 1 year apart.

According to BMI, in the pic on the left, Bale is three times more healthy than the pic on the right.    ARE YOU FRIGGIN SERIOUS? 

Here’s how the numbers break down: 

Machinist  Weight 130 -

• BMI Rating: 17.6 low/healthy border
• 17 pounds under ideal weight 

Batman Weight 220 

• BMI Rating:  29.8  obese (.4 higher than me and Vin in fact)
• 53 pounds over ideal weight

So In Conclusion:

Screw BMI. It’s about as useless as my sense of humor at a feminist rally.   I’m gonna doing what I’ve been doing.  Eating healthier, doing some exercise, and hopefully soon, quit smoking.  After all, I’d like to not only have a few kids, but hopefully see them through at least elementary school.  Don’t know if the Vin Diesel bod will ever happen, but don’t really care either. 

After all I can sing :) 

Be cool.

 JJ

PS. Don’t let the indifference fool you, I am REALLY enjoying the newfound attention from the ladies.  Been a while since I got a double take when not on stage :)  Not sure how the missus feels about it yet, but screw her too, she’s been hot all her life….

• 2 Comments

I’m not the emotional type.  I don’t have some stifled macho sense that it’s not manly. I’m just ruled by logic for the most part.  I still prefer to hug over shaking hands, I’m not afraid to cry at a movie (tho it happens very rarely except for Marley and Me which made me a basket case) and I have no problems telling and showing someone I love them. 

I don’t see it as a particularly good or bad thing, it just is.  Although, it does come in pretty handy in confrontations where most people get scared or pissed or teary.  I just plow through and get my way :) 

The reason I am sharing this fact with you is because I am woefully, painfully, homesick.  Me. Mr. Logic, who in my life has moved 8 times and in 6 states in the course of 5 years.  I’ve NEVER been homesick.  I actually like to move.  To me moving to a new place is usually a chance at a do-over and a new adventure.  But this time it is different.  And I can’t figure out why.  

The Family 

This one is clearly not an explanation for me.  Other than a short stint when the missus and I lived with my mom and step-dad for 6 months while looking for a job after  grad school, I haven’t lived anywhere  near my parents since I was 17.  I love my parents dearly and unlike many, really have no problems living with  them.  I’m just a pretty independent person, and most definitely not the kind of guy that needs the “mommy” type around. In addition, I don’t have a very close family.  No picnics with 20-odd people sharing the same last name and vague resemblances. 

The Friends 

I thought this might be it.  I’ve amassed a fair number of really good friends during my stay in Gainesville.    My friends are almost all musicians, we have a lot in common, and above that, they are all just really good people.  My wife who is usually somewhat introverted (until you know her…then she’s a freak) even has lots of friends around.  It might be due to the fact that she has been in approximately 19 different “class of” years at UF.  It might also be that people there are just cooler. 

What made me realize friends are not the only cause of my homesickness is that almost all of them have moved away.  We still keep in touch regularly and get together for the occasional gig, but its not on a weekly basis.

The Location 

This might be part of it too.  In my 7 years in Florida, I can honestly say that I am, and was born to be, a southerner.  Everything about it suits me.  Sunshine all the time, warm so no need to bundle up with 58 layers, a bit slower pace, better drivers, and in general nicer, friendlier, polite people.  Down here you can look a stranger in the eye and smile or say hi.  I like that.  Try that one in NYC.  If you do, 1 of 3 things will happen.  A. They will mug or shoot you  B.  They think YOU will mug or shoot them. C. They will completely and utterly ignore you.   Sadly, that is not a joke.  In addition, in many of the more affluent areas up north, people act as if they are entitled to something..   As if a Mercedes gives someone the right to cut you off in traffic, be rude to you, or otherwise treat you like a glob of gum on their shoe.  This may happen in some areas of the south (Boca) but not where I usually live.  I grew up poor, and while I would probably be considered well-to-do by most standards, I still see myself as a blue collar type guy, and treat people as equals (Even if I know I am better…which I usually am : )

The cool thing about Gainesville is that it is a college town.  Most of downtown caters to younger people.  What makes it awesome is that 10 minutes away is suburbia where I live.  Big private lots, kids running around, never have to worry about locking your door.   For someone in their mid 30’s and in many ways still sees himself in his early 20’s, it’s pretty bad ass.

The House 

Again, this may be part of it, but not all of it.  I love the house in Gainesville.  Nice pool, huge bright office, plenty of space, and through years of love, it has everything I need.  It’s not the nicest house I have ever owned…not by a long shot.  My place in CT was almost 4000 sq ft, had marble an hardwood floors and cost literally 5 times more than my place in FL.  I think I still like the FL house better.  Might be the memories. Who knows.

The Job 

Again, not it.  When I first started with my MBA and full of piss and vinegar to reach the “good life” with the corner office and fancy title, it might have been it, but it certainly is not now.   After reaching the top floor and placing my feet upon my cherry desk as I dictated a memo to my secretary, I realized that all I was buying myself was a set of golden handcuffs.  A huge mortgage, a 2 hour daily commute, and a life leading me to be a 50 y.o. CEO, most likely pulling in $1M+ a year, but hating his life, hating his wife, and knowing nothing about his kids. 

Now I think I am a bit more balanced (probably too balanced in the other direction…lol)  It’s still very important for me to love what I do.  Otherwise I just cant force myself to get up in the morning and go to work.  But now I do it in shorter intervals and really have no commitment to it.  Life comes first. Job second.  Toys are just toys. Italian marble floors impress visitors, but trust me, on a daily basis, they make absolutely no difference.

So WTF is it? 

I was hoping that in the course of writing this article, I would figure out exactly what it was that was making me homesick.  I’m ADD like that.  Things have an answer…and I need to know that answer.  I guess I am not as adept at psychology as I would like to think I am.  Either that or the lens of perception that I look through to see other people just shows guts and gook when focused inward.  (Eww. Sorry, just made myself throw up a little.) 

But I don’t.  Sarasota is nice enough.  Not quite as much to do downtown, people are a little more uppity (but many of the people I have met …cable guy, Verizon dude, plumber guy, have all been outstanding) and it’s a lot more humid and sticky, but still a giant improvement over up north.  The rental kinda sucks, but is getting better. 

I still talk to my friends at least as often as I ever did and being and additional 3 hours away from my family is still a non-issue.

The Plan 

For me, there is always a plan.  And a plan B and C.  This plan is to just wait….and wait.  Everybody is telling me time will make it better.  Since I have no other suggestion, that’s what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna grab my guitar, hit up a couple of jam nights, try to get some work project going, and then wait.  I still refer to a trip to Gainesville as going “home. ” I’ve come to realize that maybe once I think of Sarasota as home, it will begin to feel like home. 

I’m a tough fucker. My wife is also homesick and has just started her doctorly career, so she has enough drama on her plate.  The last thing she needs is a fat guy moping around the living room in dirty boxers (and if there is, I’ll beat the shit out of him, cause he’s not me…almost 50 lbs down, so now I’m just “thick”.  Go me!) 

Anyway, thanks for listening.  The self-therapy at least put a smile on my face.  Usually that type of therapy requires KY jelly and an avocado rind, but I decided to just write…keeps the keyboard less sticky. 

Be cool.  I’ll let you know how it turns out.   I’m gonna go watch Marley and Me… lol. I’m such a girl.

JJ 

PS. Since I realize that this isn’t the funniest of stories to be posting on a humor blog, here’s a joke I heard that made me laugh.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!” 

 ”I don’t care, open it now!!!” He replies.  

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???”  ”DO IT!” he orders. 

So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well.  

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey - it’s not that hard.”

lol

• 3 Comments

At last, someone interesting calling in on QVC

 Don’t know how Freudian this may be but…

• My Desktop is a Dell XPS 420
• Game Room PC Dell SP 410
• Media Server Dell SP 420
• Nik laptop - Dell XPS
• My laptop - Dell mini

What do you think that says about me :)  Hmmm wonder if there is anything behind that?

• 0 Comments

<– the actual magazine that started it all when I was 12… 

Before we begin, I want to assure you that this article is not about me.  It’s about the ladies and what makes them tick.  However, I delve a bit into what makes guys tick to help us better understand why the ladies are such a mystery to us.  (Besides, I really didn’t want a Chippendales model as the article photo on my blog…sorry)

Read the rest of this entry »

• 4 Comments

This is totally guy humor. I can just imagine my wife saying “That is so mean!” and all my guy friends just pissing themselves laughing.

• 0 Comments

Dani over at This aint no Effin Mom Blog had a great post called How Penises Think that motivated me to respond.  In it she described how her husband would not be able to function in the real world without her. 

In my experience, I would have to disagree. Utter uselessness is not a gender specific thing, and I can prove it to her. 

And, since I have a penis, and she does not, before we begin the discussion of spouse retardation, let me tell you exactly how a penis thinks. 

Read the rest of this entry »

• 5 Comments

I’ve just returned from a doctor’s appointment and I thought I would share an uncomfortable story with you. Hopefully I can entertain you at my own expense while sharing a important lesson about using humor inappropriately. Let me add that while this may tickle your funnybone, I can assure you, my bone was altogether un-tickled at the time.

Read the rest of this entry »

• 0 Comments